Project Thursday

I know I’m not alone here, fellas. You’ve heard it. I’ve heard it. Every man whose known the touch of the ladies has heard it. Shit, even those who haven’t probably heard it too. Yes, I’m talking about "that time of the month." These little words send shivers down the spine of the entire, hetero-male species.

Now, I’ve been in my fair share of relationships, and in every one of them, I’ve been handed the same bullshit speech from each of the [very -Ed.] lucky ladies to be by my side.

Oh Michael, you’re so lucky to be with me, because I’m one of those girls who has a very short, almost undetectable period, and I don’t get moody or grouchy at all! And all the while, I have the sexual appetite of a starving child in a third-world country. Take me now! Tee-hee! -Every One of Michael’s Girlfriends

Bullshit! Every lady that’s tricked me into believing these horrible fabrications has been the most raging, hormonal-driven beast I’ve ever set my eyes upon, and their only intention during this hellacious time of the month was either the total abandonment of my wang, permanent emotional scarring on my part, or both in heavy doses.

To make matters even worse, as if outright lies aren’t enough, this "short period" is anything from short at all! Yeah sure, there’s the actual week of the period itself. I get that. But what most guys forget is the women need their preparatory week. Yes, the ladies are preparing for their period a week in advance now. What does that mean for us? Yup, no sex, man. Your lady’s vagina is gearing up for World War III apparently, and it needs absolute focus before the fight. Oh, and then there’s the cool-down week after the fact. Now that the war is over, it’s time to kick back and let her vagina sign a peace treaty with itself. No sex there either.

So what it comes down to is three weeks out of the month, your girl is going to be a degrading meanie with a barren no-mans-land below the waist, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Fan-fucking-tastic!

Tell me I’m alone here, guys! Tell me I’m the only one, and that there’s hope out there, somewhere! Because if I’m right, I say the madness must be stopped. These words are the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card for any woman, and I’m here to tell you that we shouldn’t take it any more. We need to rise up, keep our respective junk in our respective pants, and stand up to our ladies. No more should our advances be discouraged for three weeks out of the month! I have a dream! Well, more like a fantasy I guess…but dammit, who’s with me?

Anyway, I figured I’d throw that out there today. Just a thought.